Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
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Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep