The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
それは草
Hmm, not sure about this change
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?