So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.