I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
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Every time my phone rings
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
when nothing goes right… go left
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall