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[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
A friend helps you before you need it
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Catering service
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.