ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
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My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”