when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
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[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
When you’re here for the treats.
Is your wife single?
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I love the honesty
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.