*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
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My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
sliding into dms like
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.