If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what