gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
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This is hilarious….
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no