If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.