God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
You Might Also Like
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.