Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
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*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).