Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.