the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
The pasta is now
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Succinctly put.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in