For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
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“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
he looks great for his age
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.