THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this