When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
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My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.