I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.