Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
starting a garage orchestra
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Someone just threatened to call me later
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.