*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Same post same
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.