MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
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some things should go without saying
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
<- sleeps well with others
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”