My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family