Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.