I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
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I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what