If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Put a ring on it
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.