Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
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Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Finally! 😈
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.