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I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
incredible
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.