Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
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I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.