[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
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Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
A huge thanks to the person that did this
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend