eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video