Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
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I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me