The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.