Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Discuss
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*