if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!