[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
You Might Also Like
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people