*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
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SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
lol
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.