Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job