I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way