The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
You Might Also Like
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*visits random websites just for the cookies*