Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
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*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house