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Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
This year, I鈥檒l be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That鈥檚 correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me irl
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.