I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
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[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
this is me
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: