*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.