Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary