I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
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[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
This is my pinned tweet
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life