People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
One venti cheeseburger please.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life