I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[eats all your cotton candy]
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.