at ease…shoulder.
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet