There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
some Old Testament wisdom
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Stop it! 😂
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.